Have you ever considered yourself "broken"?

This thought kind of follows on from my previous post about being told you are consistently wrong - the more it happens, the more you believe it. Believe it enough and you might never come back from the edge.

Again today, despite having done something I had been asked to (on a project where I am a participant only, NOT the project manager) I got another one of those loud-enough-to-be-public dressing downs:

“I only do this so you learn from your mistakes”

For a Tuesday, this was the first of a series of quite unjustified loud-enough-to-be-public dressing downs, the content of which was occasionally valid, but not the method of delivery.

It got me thinking though, if this is happening on a regular basis, there must be something fundamentally WRONG with me. I iz not stoopid and I learn quickly so how can this continue?

The more this preys on my mind, the more I think that  as an human being I am simply maladjusted. My formative experiences have so shaped my adulthood that I just cannot “get” the speed of adulthood to enable me to move at the speed I need.

In turn, I am now thinking that, like with a car if you change the one small part, you fix the whole thing - the only thing now is which part to change?

Technorati Tags: work,personality,negativity

Criticism as a method of motivation

A wonderful person told me once that if you are told something enough times - you begin to believe it. In both a positive and negative way.

As you’ve likely guessed, much of what I am comes, I think, from being told so often what I am NOT, what I DIDN’T do, how I SHOULD have done things, how much BETTER my grades COULD have been…you get the picture.

I have carried much of this negative perception of myself into my adult life, a stage of development where you are supposed to stand up and be counted. A stage where people DON’T blow smoke up your ass just to make you feel better.

So how do you begin to claw back some of the negativity? Is it possible to be told or say to yourself enough positive things so as to bring you back from whence you came? It is incredible how many times I have also been told that I AM a smart guy, I AM capable blah, blah, blah, but I just fail to see the positive in me.

Does anyone else have any ideas? I am seriously beginning to think that this, more than anything else is hampering my professional development.

I spend my meetings thinking just how clever the other guys and gals are compared to me, and in a split second rationalise this thought by considering their education to be so much better than mine just by thinking about a handful of events during school where my very average performance stood out.

Music gets deeper than any knife

One Republic: Stop and Stare - a song about desperation as life passes you by. I don’t think any song has struck a chord more than this at the moment and I totally dig their sentiment:  

“I think I’m moving but I go nowhere. Yeah i know that everyone gets scared. I’ve become what I can’t be”

“Stop and Stare. You start to wonder why you’re here not there. And you’d give anything to get what’s fair, but fair ain’t what you really need “. 

I am petrified of getting left behind - how long is enough to try and make your dream(s) come true? When do you call it a day and focus on what you have?Don’t “they” say to never let the dream go? Never stop dreaming? What about if the dream is simply that?Money, health, family, responsibilities, debts, location, intelligence - all contribute to putting a lid on the dream.But is it possible simply to manage these to help make the dream a reality rather than allow them to stop the dream happening at all?       

Don’t you just hate the silence?

Do you ever get into such a frenzy over things, that silence from someone terrifies you more than actually doing something about your problem?

I do and I think it is down to the fact I am easily intimidated. Very easily intimidated. As loud and brash as I am, it is all a cover. In some cases, acting the idiot actually diverts attention away from me whilst being the centre of attention.

In a similar vein, I have always tried to approach authority figures BEFORE they approach me. I have always figured that in taking the initiative I can divert their attention away from anything I may or may not have done - and as such avoid any criticism or other negativity. In most cases, it’s not that I haven’t done something, just that the intimidation I feel from being asked questions terrfies me.

And therein lies the problem - the silence.

I can neither approach the person (why are they NOT speaking to me?) nor prepare myself for their approach…and I am still struggling to find a way to manage that!

  

A wonderful set of rules to live life by

I have added makeitbetter.wordpress.com to my blogroll for the very simple reason of this list: (hope Nicole doesn’t mind!)

1. Forgive your parents
2. Pay off debt
3. Lose your image
4. Think critically
5. Find the silver lining
6. Make friends with children, old people and animals
7. Don’t watch the news
8. Explore outside your comfort zone
9. Try new foods
10. Invest your money
11. Get rid of clutter
12. Read the ingredients list
13. Don’t believe information you’re given when someone or something is trying to sell you something
14. Don’t grocery shop hungry
15. Lose toxic friends
16. Do yoga
17. Never stop learning
18. Get a hobby
19. Don’t buy publications that have a celebrity headlines
20. Thank your parents
21. Buy used
22. Don’t buy into the housing hype
23. Learn to differentiate between needs & wants
24. Ignore socialization
25. Time does not equal dedication
26. Things are not love
27. Stop trying to change your lover
28. Learn from your AND others mistakes
29. Listen more
30. Exercise
31. Find a life outside of your children
32. Stay out of direct sunlight
33. Buy your size, not the one you want to be
34. Identify government propaganda or research it yourself
35. Get a library card
36. Don’t waste food
37. Be honest
38. Don’t let anyone intimidate you; everybody has something on either side of the bell curve
39. Let children struggle so they can grow their own wings
40. Forgive yourself; you only did what you knew to do, when you could decide to do it.
41. Grow a backbone
42. FLOSS
43. Don’t ever try a cigarette
44. Learn how to make yourself orgasm first
45. If you are repeatedly treated poorly by someone, it’s because you allow it to continue
46. Confidence is sexiest
47. A great haircut is worth it
48. Say NO when you get the urge
49. Read this
50. And this and this and this and this
51. Be grateful
52. When you marry someone you marry his or her family.
53. A marketer working for DeBeers created the American tradition of the engagement ring.
54. Your job probably thinks your expendable; be selective with your loyalty
55. When your kids constantly whine and misbehave, it’s not because of the school system…
56. If you are offended by something someone says about you, it’s probably true
57. Give without expectation
58. Everyone likes a birthday cake, no matter how much they deny it
59. Don’t yell
60. Get over yourself
61. No one really knows what they’re doing in life
62. Communicate
63. Diversify: your friends, money and interests
64. Talk about ideas, not people
65. Don’t fall into marketable New Age hype
66. There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy, so yes, the world does not revolve around you
67. Smile (apparently, it’s the 2nd best thing you can do with your mouth)
68. Compliment more
69. Know your weaknesses, find other people to compliment them
70. Mentor, mentor, mentor
71. No matter how much you know, you’re still probably ignorant
72. America needs a lot of work right now
73. Race does not define you
74. Your purpose is to be; enjoy it
75. Normal doesn’t exist; it’s all socialization put in your head
76. Live beneath your means
77. Avoid car loans
78. Clip coupons
79. Stay on the border of the grocery store
80. Tip 20% or more
81. Your beliefs are yours alone, unless some random stranger asked for a lecture, keep it that way
82. Take responsibility for your choices
83. Just do it. Anything, everything, all of it - whatever you want. Just do it.
84. It’s always easier then you thought.

Point number one hit me hard - and the story behind it is one of the issues I have in my life - my parents.

I hope to elaborate more later, but in the meantime, enjoy Nicole’s blog.

So what does coulda shudder mean?

I seem to spend most of my life wishing I had something more than I have. Wishing I had done something else, tried new things, been to different places etc. etc.

 

The title of the blog quite aptly expresses this sentiment. It is a play on the phrase “coulda, shoulda”…”I could have done this, I should have done that…”. As such, I spend most of my days living in regret rather than enjoying what I do have. 

 

The shudder comes from the sudden realisation that at some point, I will need to STOP wishing and either start bloody doing or value what I have - that and the fact that couldashoulda.wordpress.com was already taken!! A convenient tale you might say, but actually a very apt one none the less.

So, in short, I hope that by divulging my inner-most thoughts and engaging with readers, that I will be able to accept who I am, what I am and what I have got.

 

I hope also, that along the way, you too, may benefit from some of these ramblings.

 

 

Hello world - coulda shudder?

Hi thanks for stopping by!I’m not going to intoduce myself, nor tell you much about me. Suffice to say I am Male, a father and husband and live in the UK. You’ll likely get to know me more through my writing than if I was to give you any kind of synopsis - I’ll let you form the opinion rather than force-feed you my own!

So why the mystery? Blogging is a very personable thing to do and many people share great friendships through blogs.

Quite simply, I don’t want you to know who I am, what I do and  where I live. Anonymity gives me with the freedom to write about what I want, when I want - a freedom that I currently do not have. Some of what gets written will be dark, miserable - self-indulgent at the very least, but I am hoping in finding an outlet for my thoughts, it may help me come to terms with may of them.But don’t get me wrong, I’m all for chattering and messaging people - hell, outardly, I am one of the chattiest people you will likely meet - it’s just that inside, I feel like a torn shard of yesterday’s newspaper drifting aimlessly without purpose. One day, it had something important to say, but now, not only does it have no value anymore, it is getting in people’s way.But, I would love to hear any comments or thoughts on anything I write so do please get in touch. You never know, sharing our thoughts might make the word a brighter place for us all.  

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